My toddler cries and says she's a bad kid when she knows she does something wrong. What am I doing wrong?

Has someone else told her that?

@Natalie I've had the same thought. At this point I can't remember when she started saying it but she goes to preschool and my mom and her dad are her other main caregivers outside of school and myself. I will ask them. I'm afraid this feeling for her has got too deep

Yeah it sounds like it. Have you tried telling her it's bad behaviour and doesn't make her a bad kid? Also what kind of things is she doing?

Try having a conversation with her get on her level and ask her. Has anyone told you you’re a bad girl? Who would say that to you? Why do you feel like you are bad? Go from there and try to explain int not her but a choice she has made and understands was wrong and just live and let learn not let it negatively stay.

@Natalie I do every time she says it but she says it so often I don't know if it's making an impact. The situations vary, I feel its usually when she does things she knows she's not supposed to do. I'm going to try and be mindful of when she says it. There are just a lot of things that are happening that are making me nervous. Yesterday she did something and she asked me "do you like me now?" I've NEVER told her I don't like nor love her. She'll even get upset when I talk to other children and ask me if she's doing a good job. I know I messed up somewhere and I'm just not sure how to fix it

@Jacey thank you for this. I've asked her why she says it and she says she doesn't know. I always tell her you're not a bad kid, you're just doing bad things. I'm not sure if that's a bad approach to it?

When I upset my toddler she will go to her dad as tell him “I want mommy to stop hitting me” I don’t hit her. I’ve never hit her. In fact she hits her brother and I can’t get her to stop. She’s almost 3.

Personally I’m not sure on the approach that is appropriate it honestly depends on the kid and u would know best really. I personally have struggled with having the same problem growing and to this day something that I’m just wired as ig but I constantly just have to catch myself and ask myself different questions on how or why I feel that way for me to understand and process. It’s hard but I think as being the parent you just have to take that roll on to ask those questions and just help her find and squish the fear that is creating that feeling. It will slow or stop giving her confidence and less feeling of regret. I hope this helps someway just remember you got this! :)

Agree! It’s definitely important she knows it’s not her it’s the action. I also don’t label things as “good” or “ bad” it’s maybe not the right choice what is a better choice in this situation. What would have been a better decision. I also always say how important they are to me and how great they are, followed with reasons why they are unrelated to their behaviour. Like they are the reason we are all family and without them here we wouldn’t be family. Like they are a part of us that makes us whole. No matter what poor choices or actions they are made their value is beyond that. X hope that helps luv ❤️

@Sarah 🎀 where do they get these things from?? I just don't like that this is their reality

@Jacey you're right, thanks so much. I guess it's all about learning how to be better for ourselves and them, it's just a lot sometimes 😞 you have been helpful, thank you!

@Amanda this is a very good point. It's so hard with these toddlers sometimes! It can be a constant walk on eggshells. I will work on using different words, you're right, the weight of "good vs bad" may have too much impact. I love that last part, thanks so much.

What do you do after you realize she has done something "wrong"?

@Bethany I typically ask her questions like "did you do this?" "What happened?" Etc and then say "you have to be careful with this, okay?" Or "it's okay but next time just....okay?" It's sad to say but she reminds me a lot of myself, I can be hard on myself but not in front of her

I wonder if she's actually just looking for connection when she says things like "I'm a bad kid."

I know it really sucks because the last thing I want is her to go around telling people she gets hit. At the end of the day most parents know kids say the most wild things and will just let it roll off their backs. I wouldn’t really stress to much definitely reassure her that she’s not bad and sometimes doing a “bad thing” doesn’t make her a bad kid. Sorry I don’t have any helpful advice.

I read your post and previous comments. My heart breaks for her. Someone you have in her life is not teaching her the right things. Being self critical/harsh to herself at 4 years old is horrible. I’d prioritize making it possible others do not watch her, family included. You just never know. As far as school, I know it’s common to send your kid there, but I’m pro homeschool. That’s not something every family can financially do though so be VERY on top of the school. If it continues, I might go so far to switch schools. Like if I did the work to remove people/family watching her, and teaching her to unlearn this and it was still happening, I’d think it’s the school as that’d be the only unsupervised time left. You never know what the teachers are saying or other students at the end of the day. Not everyone’s good, even people who are supposed to be.

Have you said you yourself are bad in front of her?

@Bethany you're right and I know she is, especially when she mentions the other things. I'm not sure what I've been doing wrong at this point.

@Sarah 🎀 your advice is 100% helpful! Thank you so much. Yes my daughter does the same thing as yours and her teachers have mentioned it as well

@Denise thank you, I appreciate your comments. I wish I was in a position to take care of her full time but my village is my lifeline at the moment. Her dad has some issues with communication and anger so part of me thinks he's responsible but every time I ask her if someone has been telling her that she says no

@Chandra no I haven't, I've been able to avoid negative comments about myself. It's interesting though, like mother like daughter